Buckle up, this is going to be a lengthy one..

MY PERSONAL JOURNEY

Hi, allow me to re-re-re-re-re-introduce myself. My name is Yuddha Maharaj and I am a 28 year-old woman of the Earth. In terms of my identity in this place, I consider myself a social and environmental advocate, activist (whatever suits me best) and community organizer or person-who-enjoys-connecting-and-working-with-folks-in-nearby-and-far-communities-in-the-world. It's a mouthful but I never know what to refer to myself as--my resume does a better job at that than me. It also changes from person to places, depending on who I am talking to and how highly I rank their opinions about me (that, I am working on).

Throughout my years on this planet and journey in my career, I have developed, cultivated and thus marinated an array of ideals, mentalities and goals that suit me best at different stages of my adolescence. As young as I can remember, I have always dreamt of the perfect and ideal lifestyle that I knew you couldn't get just by getting by, and that involved having a career and saving money in order to do so. Seems like a perfectly simple equation. 

To circle back to the previous statement, I have developed, cultivated and thus marinated an array of ideals, mentalities and goals that suit me best at different stages of my adolescence, I want to start with tackling this. The earliest of my adolescence was mainly focused on getting a job so I can afford the pleasures of dining out at restaurants, going to see a movie and buying that unnecessary lip gloss at Walmart. I had big dreams folks! But really.. I never jumped right into molding myself into a career woman because I simply wanted to enjoy my teenage years first.

During this time, I had graduated from York University with a Bachelors in Psychology aka the most useless degree for ME. I did enjoy it, don't get me wrong, and if anything, it has greatly molded the foundation and baseline of who I am today and how I approach my work. But the fact of the matter is that I struggled to gain employment. It truly was a mission to find a job, one that I liked and paid decent at that. So I decided instead of staying stagnant and working precarious retail jobs, I needed to go back to school. I did a 2 year diploma studies in Social Service Work, with a specialization in Immigrants and Refugees. It was the best decision I made. Not only did I enjoy the program, but I did exceptionally well. It made me realize that maybe I'm not actually incompetent or bad at school, rather I can excel at things I care and am passionate about. Go figure.

Fast forward to a couple of months and I continued to struggle to find employment. Seemed like the only constant in my life at that point (and still sort of is). I ultimately landed a job and after that another one, and another one after that. Why so many you ask? All of them were contract work, which meant I only worked at an organization for minimum 2 months to maximum 8 months. It wasn't ideal nor was my long-term goal. My goal was to secure a full-time, permanent job that graciously came up benefits and the whole package. I think that's majority of everyone's goal. It came down to accepting whatever job I could get because although I absolutely detested waiting around and settling for a job, I also had little options at the moment. That's what they call survival, right?

So I spent the better half of 4-5 years doing exactly this--taking any job I can and rolling with it. Of course I enjoyed some of the jobs I had and 100% gained useful skills and experience, but it wasn't fulfilling to me. It wasn't my dream at the time (Up to now, I still don't know what my "dream" job is, because I love so many things, I want to do it all, all at once..).

I spent my days divided between longing for the life and career my peers paved for themselves and searching long and hard for jobs that was calling my name. And let me tell you.. it isn't fun. It's quite debilitating, spending your hours in a day simply looking and applying to jobs and feeling temporarily confident something good may come out if it, only to be met with disappointment. And the cycle begins the next day.

CLIMBING THAT CORPORATE LADDER

Throughout this journey, I've seen quite a lot of job/career announcements proudly and eloquently professing their gratefulness to securing a new job or climbing that corporate ladder, and to that I say.. good for you! I love seeing peers and friends of peers doing great things and achieving their goals. Who doesn't? (Except for jealous and bitter people I suppose). It must feel amazing to see your hard work and perseverance being recognized through a job promotion or the securing of a highly ranked and well paying job. That's what most people want! But for me, it isn't. At least, not anymore.

This is where I get into the nitty gritty of things and what initially spawned this idea of a blog post. Growing up in North America, we've been raised and fed to believe two things: 1. You must chase and have a career, and 2. In order to do so, you must attend post-secondary (university namely). This mentality is especially prominent in the West Indian culture/South Asian diaspora--the culture I grew up in. What are you and what do you do if you DON'T have these two things? According to the views and opinions I've constantly been fed during my upbringing, it means you're lazy, not ambitious and won't have a 'successful' or valuable future (none of these things were told to me by the way). Let me tell you.. that is quite the opposite of who and what I am and will be. 

To further elaborate on that previous statement and to clear things up, no.. that is not true. Not one bit. Not attending post-secondary school and not having a career does not correlate to being lazy or unambitious or even unsuccessful. People can do and achieve great things without any of those. There is more than one way to achieve success, and always more than one definition of the term success. The traditional way isn't the only way. But alas, we've been told and fed these messages by the larger building blocks of society and to go against the grain is considered abnormal, unconventional and frankly lost. And let me tell you, it took me WAY TOO LONG to figure that out. And I'm so glad I did at 28 years old.

THE STATUS HUNGRY SOCIETY WE LIVE IN

We live in a capitalist, colonial, white supremacist (the list goes on) world. I hear this statement so many times a day and the more I hear and read it, the more frustrated I become because this should NOT be the reality and we should NOT be okay with it. It also should not be a statement we throw around nonchalantly trying to sound progressive and meaningful, backed with no compassion or action taken towards it. This needs to be changed and I am so glad I am surrounded my folks who feel the same and are doing the good work to radicalize the systems in place. But for the sake of this post, I will use this statement AND only be focusing on capitalism/status to preface the next part of this self-proclaimed think piece of mine.

Growing up as an adolescent, I have never truly fancied the idea of a 9-5 job. Did I absolutely strive for that and put it up on an alter to praise every night before bed? Yes, yes I did. I did because I knew it was the only feasible way to make money and save it to essentially live my best life. And I know I'm like 1 in a million of folks who view a 9-5 full-time permanent job career as such. Without that, all you're doing is just getting by and living paycheque to paycheque, and who really wants that? (I know for some BIPOC and marginalized folks, it is a living reality for them and the socioeconomic injustice is fucked up and it isn't their choice to live that way most of the time. I hope things get better..). To continue, I saw the traditional 9-5 working structure as the dream, because it meant stability, independence, and a gateway to a world of possibilities.

Every job I held, every building I walked into, every management team I got to know, learn from and work with, only further cemented that this ain't for me. I could feel the resistance and the discomfort I was experiencing at some of my jobs, as subtle as it was. I knew in the back of my head what I was thinking and feeling, but never questioned or succumbed to it. I almost feel as though the multifaceted individual that I am (we are all multifaceted people, I will get into that in a bit), could not and will not fit into a tiny wee box that presented itself as an institutional corporation/company/organization. But of course, I continued to put myself back into the very places I was feeling unfulfilled in because what other options did I have? Another note to add here is the idea of striving for senior or management positions. Although I know those are fantastic roles to be in as it provides great leadership opportunities and of course, a higher income, don't be fooled by all the fluff and glamorization of it. Not only do I not enjoy the whole hierarchy structures (it is a natural structure to have as it makes working in teams and bigger communities more efficient and successful), there is this idea that being in senior or management positions is the ultimate goal and after that, you're like.. done? The mentality of growth and growing in a company all feels status and power hungry and presents so much unnecessary stress, competition and almost desperation. I know from personal stories of others that being in a senior position doesn't actually change anything and they see no interest or desire in doing so. Sometimes it's just a fancy title and a little increase in pay for the same amount of work. And also, who wants all that responsibility anyway? Kudos to all the higher management folks.

WE ARE NOT OUR JOB TITLES

If there is one major takeaway I can share through my experience thus far, and I know many of you hold the same beliefs as well, it is that we are NOT what we do. Let me repeat that once again: We are not what we do. You work at a software company as a software engineer? Great! You aren't necessarily a software engineer, merely someone who works as a software engineer at such company, or better yet, does software engineering at such company. We DO those things, we don't need to define ourselves AS those things. Don't get the two mixed up or blur those lines. Of course, there is nothing wrong if you choose to identify as the role you are currently at in your company. Perhaps it gives you confidence and makes you proud. It also doesn't necessarily apply to all occupations or sectors. The point I am getting at and what you should be taking away from this is that we have always been taught to put ourselves in these tiny boxes. We tend to define or identify ourselves as a job title at a company or organization and that's that. "What do you do?" "What do you do for a living/for work?". Most of the time, the answers typically follow "I am a *insert job title* at *insert company*". But is that all you really are? [A little exercise to work on if you are up for it! Try saying "I am a creative designer and engineer and work on building machines for fun. I am currently working as a software engineer at The Computer Company".] It isn't a perfect example but it's definitely a great start to begin thinking in terms of what we do as humans and less of what we are at our job. Try leading with something more personal and then continue with your job!

We are multifaceted individuals (told you I'd circle back to this) with SO much more to offer (and if you don't, try pursuing that thing you've always wanted to do and simply try new things!), and a job isn't going to be the end all be all. As previously mentioned, we live in a capitalistic society (driven by money, profits and booming economy) where we are led to believe our productivity levels and the jobs we have and the titles we possess is what we are valued as. And the fucked up thing/double-edged sword of it all? We have little to no choices in going down that path because our structures and systems (educational system, job market, housing market etc.) are built on the wealthy having the most access to "freedom". So alas, we must continue to get that high paying job and climb that corporate ladder (gosh I hate that term) or else we can't have what we desire.

I have naturally always felt uncomfortable with this mentality and inadvertently strained against the odds and status quo, but I also wanted to be apart of it because I didn't have much choice in the matter. Everyone was doing it, so I should too, right? Up to current day living, I am still struggling to have a balance of holding true to my values and ethics, whilst accepting and succumbing to the ugly natures of capitalistic 'hustle culture'. 

STOP GLAMOURIZING HUSTLE CULTURE 

About hustle culture.. this ain't it sis, bro, non-binary folks. Hustle culture or the 'grind' is a falsehood of our merit and values in this world. We should not be measured by the amount of work we do and how many jobs we hold. All this causes is burnout, and burnout is not cute, nor is it healthy (duh). We should be striving to steer away from glamourizing hustle culture and burnout because it is not holistic by any means, nor is it what humans were made to be and do. Collectively, we should try our best not to praise or be stagnant with working after/long hours and being underpaid and overworked. It only fuels the culture even more. Also, I want to end this thought by stating that we as individuals were not put on Earth to live to work, rather in these current circumstances and structures, we should learn to work to live. Try to remind yourself that you should be working to live, not living to work (as best as you can given your circumstances). How that looks like differs for each person, but trying to balance and maintain healthy working standards should be an on-going practice for the betterment of your physical and mental health.

WE ARE MULTIFACETED INDIVIDUALS 

When I say we are multifaceted individuals, what I mean by that is that we all like, enjoy and are passionate about so many different things, other than our job at a company (that is if you're passionate about that too). We know tons of folks, myself including, who have a side hustle here and there, because after we go home or "clock out" from our day job, we engulf ourselves in the many other things we find enjoyment and entertainment in. And this should absolutely be celebrated and honoured! But I don't have a problem with this. What I do have an issue with is the idea of calling or referring it to as a "side hustle", or even a side business (shout out to my candle business Retrograde!). I am putting my foot down (imagine me putting my foot down whilst sitting in a chair typing this) with the idea and mentality of calling our side hustle and passion projects as such, because they are much more than that. They are one the many things we do and partake in as people and which makes up who we are as an individual. Every one of us enjoys many things and we should also include our projects and the things we are passionate about outside of our traditional job as another one of our "titles" or hats we wear. One does not hold and is not of higher importance than the other. Our job at a company is not more important or valuable than the many other things we do and/or identify as. Let's start treating our life as a whole picture instead of breaking it up in pieces.

WHAT I HAVE LEARNT THUS FAR

So that brings us to the conclusion.. the end of this chat. What did I ultimately learn from my years thus far in the working world/culture? 

1. A job does not define you

2. A career is not everyone's goal

3. School may not be for everyone

4. The truth is, you are replaceable and dispensable at any give time

5. Start living and being instead of doing (not the same thing as how we should identify ourselves)

SO, WHAT DO I WANT?

I don't want a career, in the traditional sense of the word. So what do I want if I don't want a career anymore? Simply put, I want to live. I want to live freely and openly without the constraints of the harsh corporate working culture and structures that only care about profit and not about you (some folks do and that is a special thing to hold onto I suppose). I do only work in the Non-Profit but it's exactly like the corporate world in that the higher management and hierarchy of status and power is toxic and ruthless. I don't want a career solely for the reasons of needing to grow in a company and climb the ladder. You are not invested in my life and the nuances it holds, so why should I be invested in your company? But besides that, I want a job. I still want and need to work so I can earn money in order to save it and do the things I want to do and achieve. Ie: Buy a house, get married and have a wedding, have children, travel the world, donate to causes I care about, give my mom what she gave me. I also do want a job that is full-time and permanent still. Why is that? Because unfortunately, it is the only way I can get benefits truly. Shit is expensive y'all.. that should not come as a surprise to you. I can't get that with contract or part-time or even contracted full-time work (as far as I'm concerned). But besides wanting and needing a job, I don't want to work for a company anymore. I don't want to work for anyone anymore. Which leads me to the only option of working for myself. To be self-employed seems like a whole lotta work and that takes me to where I am today and where I hope to be in the very, very, very near future. (Fingers crossed). That isn't to say that I'm not open to working for others at the moment, because I very much am and it is the sacrifice I will have to make until I no longer need to. And I am being particular of where I am looking and making strategic moves. But as I have mentioned earlier in this post, when choices and options are limited, you naturally gotta do what you gotta do. And so I'm doing it.

What are your thoughts on this? Do you feel the same way I do? Please share on this post or reach out to me through my email provided on here or my Instagram handle: @itsyuddha . I promise I don't bite.